I’m done. People can have fun with their new best friends.
From now on do not judge me for any thing that I do.
Terminado.
People are sick and mean sometimes.
Don’t worry up your mind,
They’re only words.
Its only words.
I went swimming yesterday in the pool and man oh man, I got some sun.
It really isn’t awful, I’ve had worse but the problem is my legs got it this time…
Luckily I was wearing shorts so it did save the area on my back legs leading to my butt. haha. My stomach is red as well as my back, shoulders, and chest.
Basically, when I’m naked, it looks like I’m wearing white shorts and my bathing suite top(the bows from it included ha). Sorry but it is true.
Really, the only pain I have is my upper legs and my stomach. My back and chest is slightly uncomfortable.
Why am I sharing this? Because noting says I can’t.
…and to remind myself that an hour is acceptable but after that, time for SPF of some number.
It was nice to be there and spend time with Jacob and Monica.
I am going to miss them when I’m in Shreveport.
I think out of everyone at the school, it’s the “Seagoville people” I am going to miss the most.
I leave Seagoville either Tuesday or Wednesday and then I go see Hyacinth.
She is the other one from Arlington I am truly going to miss. She lives in Tyler/Lindale so I am sure I’ll see her more often than Monica and Jacob.
I have no idea what’s going on though once I get to Tyler.
All I DO know is that I am going to relax and enjoy seeing the people that I end up seeing. I am not going to stress over making everyone happy.
Why am I always the one who puts so much effort out?
I figure, the ones I do see will show that it isn’t just me who wants the friendship to last…they must too.
I can’t say that I understand certain people. And I won’t pretend to understand.
I won’t tear apart their character simply by what I’ve heard about them.
So why do people feel the need to do so towards me? They can say whatever they want about me and I cannot change that but I will know what I’ve done and I will know what I believe.
I have experienced so much already in my life that they can’t even imagine.
Say I am a rude, mean, and heartless person but you are wrong. I know about what’s important in life and it is NOT the pettiness that these people focus on so much. I have seen 11 year old mothers, starving families, and village dwellers. I have reached out and done all I could to help the needy and show love to those in a third world country. I have watched as my father got treated for a gunshot wound in the middle of the jungle. I have almost died in the middle of the amazon river during a tropical storm. I have sat beside a best friend in an interior house while her grandmother was lain on the table dead.
I have loved strangers and tried to show them that I care. I grew up where life was not taken for granted.
I am by no means perfect. But I AM NOT heartless.
If you can think beyond yourself and think beyond the shallow conceptions of this place, then I think that you should understand all that I’ve said.
I do not hate people that think certain things about me. They don’t know ME and they don’t want to or they wouldn’t just take what people say as truth. I can’t change them. I just want them to know that there is more to life. There is so much out there that is beyond us, beyond our understandings.
So simply, just live, people. LIVE.
I don’t mean go out and party every night. I mean truly live. With all your heart, mind, soul. Experience, love, act, learn, and share all you can.
It IS therapeutic to posts “journals” on here.
Helps to cleanse the mind and sort out what I feel.
I mean, sure, sometimes my posts are jumbled messes but it still helps in ways.
I think I’m going to try to make a post everyday. It may be something like a letter to my past self (lol), a random thought, or something I want to remember and share. Anything but I think I’ll try to do whatever it is everyday AT LEAST once a day.
So yeah…that’s that…
Maybe I’ll try to get on a computer later and actually make a worthy post that includes a little more insight of my day.
I’ve decided I am no longer going to post just photos of crap on here with the occasional personal post in-between.
So, I am going to clean out my tumblr and then keep it “uniformed” of sorts.
I’ll still post some things like photos and whatnot but I think for the most part I am going to make it a type of…journal.
I know that must sound cheesy but I used to keep one and then a friend of mine and I discussed how journals may be stupid to some but in actuality, they are important.
They give us the documentation of our lives. When we are old we can pick up those books from third grade and see how we’ve changed. We can log onto the blog and see all the changes we’ve made throughout high school and college. We can relive the feelings that we poured out onto the computer. And maybe, some day, our kids can have some way of knowing us better and seeing our thoughts from “back when” and how we went through things that they could possibly be going through. That even though we are their parents, we had pain and had to grow into who we will be as parents.
I imagine this is silly and I might think back in a year and say never mind.
The thing is, I have had such a full life already that I don’t know how I can keep everything logged away into my brain for forever.
Maybe I’ll forget anyway…but I don’t want to forget. And this small way of remembering is better than nothing.
And realize that it wasn’t just him who has to fix himself.
I mean, I AM the one who was broken up with, and I know I heart him later on down the break up road, but I was destroyed. I didn’t know what to do with myself when we broke up. I didn’t know who to turn to and so, yeah, I did some things that weren’t the best but I know I am stronger from it.
It has just been getting to me lately. the fact that everyone just looks at him now as the one that got broken. I mean, okay yeah, he was maybe is, i don’t know but I loved him. it didn’t take me losing him to love him…I LOVED him WHEN he broke up with me. By the time he wanted me back I was too hurt to allow it…a part of me wanted it so much but i knew i couldnt. i had distanced myself too much for it to work.
I fought so hard for him and went through hell for the relationship so I wish, with all my heart, that people would understand that.
I would love to tell this to a few of his friends (yes, his because now I am that ex of his so ya know they “don’t know” me or whatever. it seems). I wish I could go to them and say, “hey I hurt too and I wanted to marry him and have his baby.”
Crazy, right? because I’m that girl who only likes my nieces and nephews and wants nothing to do with childbirth for myself. But there I was. Perfectly content with being his and him being mine.
Life is so weird. How things have changed in a years time. All in one year I loved and then lost. Lost the focus of my love and people I enjoyed being friends with and some of which I liked the potential of being friends with. I had, and I suppose in some ways am having, to let go of someone who was my best friend for what SEEMS like years upon years. It’s different letting go of loving someone and letting go of being best friends.
So basically, this is one of those posts where my thoughts are somewhat everywhere but I can’t really get them out so it just ends up being stupid.
But…I would like to get this out there if I could. if I were that kind of girl I’d post it on Facebook for those people I was referring to to see. But, I’m not that kind of girl.
Anyway, I’m tired and I have a shoot tomorrow, so I need my sleep or else I’ll look like a zombie in all the photos.
….I’ll probably end up regretting this post later, won’t I?
